Friday, December 17, 2010


Well, it's December 17th.  How does this happen!!?!  This past year has been pretty crazy, and thankfully less crazy then the previous year.  Since we didn't keep any usb cords from being packed and sent to storage, I have a camera filling with adorable pics that I can't upload!!  I was able to snag one off of it at the kiosk and will hopefully get a Christmas card out soon. 

We are starting to get used to Utah and hoping to get settled into a house in the near future.  We are grateful for a good job and how wonderfully the Lord has provided.  We continue to pray for His guidance in where He wants us to live.  I am anxious to get Ryan in his new school and finally have a house to call our home. 

I can't help but feel very depressed and I don't know if it's the stress of the move or  because it's Christmas and for the past 13 years, this time is especially difficult.  It is for most of us who've lost loved ones.  My Mom was such a fun person.  I know she had her faults like we all do, but, looking back on her life, I'm so glad that she was mostly known for her electric smile and energetic personality.  Gosh I just miss her so much.  I hate that I lost her when I was 18.  I was such an idiot back then.  I was just getting over the "know it all" stage when she was diagnosed.  I remember the summer before she was diagnosed I was at Camp Elim.  One morning after breakfast I had some free time, so I called her.  We talked for almost an hour.  I remember telling her about the boy I liked and how much I loved being there.  I also remember telling her that I missed her.  After we hung up, I remember thinking, I'm so glad I have such a cool Mom

Little did I know that would be the last summer I'd spend with her.  I think it was easier saying goodbye to her knowing that she was sick and that it was out of her control.  She simply submitted to God's authority in her life and welcomed the path He allowed for her, even if it meant she would leave us so soon.  So many people were shown such a testimony in her as she slipped away from this earth.  That gives me such comfort. 

3 years ago, however, I lost the next closest woman to me, my sister.  She walked away from her life as she knew it.  Her husband of 14 years and their 3 beautiful daughters.  She walked away from her closest friendships and spit on the bonds that once held us all so tightly together.  I love her very much, but a piece of me hates what she has done.  Selfishly, I hate that I don't have an older sister anymore.  We use to spend so much time together.  I loved riding in the car with her.  I loved just hanging out...and if it was lunch time, she would make the BEST sandwiches!  She's made the best of anything really.  She was the best party hostess!  Oh I miss those parties.  Unselfishly, I hate how much confusion and pain she has caused my brother in law and nieces....even my own son.  Ryan still doesn't want to give up hope that she'll come back.  Even though I love her so much, I just wish I could grab her by the shoulders and shake her violently!  Then as those words actually pass through my fingertips, I realize it's not so much her that I hate, it's Satan.  He was the one who attacked, he's the one who decieved her, he's the one who is getting great joy from all of this.  I'm so glad I'm going to heaven, but if I ever got a chance to meet him, I'd sock him as hard as I can in the stomach, and maybe knee him between the legs!!

It's felt good getting this off my chest.  Unfortunately, the reality is still here.  It's Christmas, the time of year we're supposed to celebrate the birth of our Savior and cherish the families He has given us.  I will gladly do that, but the hole in my heart is very hard to ignore.  I miss the warmth of my mother's hug and the gleam in my sister's eye.  

Maybe I should have blogged this on my personal blog!  Oh well~ I guess it's ok to let people in on the ramblings of the heart every now and then :)  I hope we all remember to make great memories with the our closest of family and friends because we never know when it'll be our last.

Merry Christmas~


  1. Merry Christmas, Juanita. I'll be praying for you this Christmas as you continue to deal with both losses. It's a good reminder to the rest of us to appreciate every moment we have with our families. -Gabby

  2. Lots of pain here...sorry you're dealing with all that, on top of everything else this Christmas. Look at what you Do have and all the blessings in your life...what God has done!!! :) We Love you!! ♥

  3. it IS good to share the ramblings of your heart! Christmas is such a joyful time, which I'm sure makes the pain of loss that much more heartfelt. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with so much loss already. Since we were always moving I feel like I didn't get to know all the aunties and uncles and cousins very well, but I do remember your mom having a very pretty smile, and that your family always seemed to be having fun! I can't imagine the hurt you've been through, losing both your mom and your sister, but I'm so thankful for how I've seen you depend on the Lord, and the way that He has worked in your life! I pray He continues to bring healing to your whole family. Hugs!

  4. Thanks, Sarah, you are such a dear friend, I'm so glad I have you! :)